The Adventures of the FON Baby
by Hammy Penguin
Summary: Satine and Christian live a happy life together until Satine gives birth to their first child. Will they be able to overcome the obstacles their child presents? R&R please!
1. The Birth of the FON Baby

This story was inspired by the fic Love&Marriage… I think. Great fic by the way. Just couldn't get over the baby thing once I read the reviews and then I had this idea ever sense. Too bad about the flames. Anyways, this is my spin off. Hope you enjoy. May the cheese be with you.

Disclaimer: Oh yeah, I own it all. It's all mine.

The Adventures of the FON Baby 

By:

Hammy Penguin

Chapter Uno

The Birth of the FON Baby

Once upon a time in a little house by the sea complete with a breakfast nook, lived Albi Albi Albi Albi Albi the Racist Dragon. Actually, just kidding, losers. You actually thought that a dragon lived in a little house by the sea complete with a breakfast nook? 

Loser. 

Seriously though, in a little house by the sea complete with a breakfast nook lived two people. Or two and half actually. No really, there was torso in there that they stored in the freezer incase there was a nuclear war and the world ended and they had nothing to eat. However then that would only make it two people living there and one dead torso in the freezer. 

Okay. 

So anyways, two people lived in this house. And besides the torso in the freezer out back, there was another half person. But not half in the sense that they were like cut apart or anything, but that they hadn't been born yet. That counts as half right? Well, I don't care what you think. It was half a person. Hey, you're the loser who thought a dragon lived in a little house by the sea complete with a breakfast nook. 

Loser.

I'll get to the point soon. But not yet. I still have to ramble more. The two people were Christian and Satine, people who have no last name so for the sake of giving them one we're just gonna make one up. So Christian and Satine Biffengorden lived in this little house by the sea complete with a breakfast nook and they were eating their breakfast in the breakfast nook complete with a little house by the sea and they were eating buckwheat pancakes made with Bisquick pancake mix with maple syrup and butter and lots of other stuff like peanut butter and strawberry jam and milk and kumquats as they were sitting in their little table with orange juice they were drinking with straws I like straws especially the bendy ones Bend it Like Beckham is a good movie it makes me laugh stupid Keira Knightly for stealing Orlando from me in Pirates of the Caribbean: the Curse of the Black Pearl I love Johnny Depp though he is hot I prefer people who are ugly like Richard Gere.

Anyways, so they were having breakfast. Christian was reading the classified ads and Satine was staring at the wall cuz she didn't have anything to read cuz the paper was just classified ads and she couldn't read anyways.

Oh by the way, she's pregnant. And by she I mean Satine and not Christian because Christian is a guy not a girl. Derr. So although she was eating her buckwheat pancakes she really wanted some raisin spearmint crepes. Cause you want really weird things when you're pregnant. Not that I could know but I've heard that. 

So she suddenly had an inspiration to make raisin spearmint crepes although she didn't know how to cook and they didn't have any crepe griddles. Yeah. With that she stood up, a bit too quickly, and then suddenly felt ten pounds lighter. Besides the fact that she now felt ten pounds lighter, this feeling was immediately followed by a very loud thud and squish. 

After blinking for a minute and staring blankly in front of her as though she had just been administered some sort of stupid drug, she then looked down to see that her baby was laying on the floor staring back at her while his limbs were contorted in a very unusual way. It was dead. That was too bad. Stunk for them.

"Oh. My baby," she complained and then shrugged.

However at that moment she felt like she was ten pound lighter. Again. So overall she was like twenty pounds lighter. Holy crap, that is a lot of babay. Anyways, she looked down _again_ and saw another baby! And this time it wasn't dead. The first baby, the one which had died upon impact with the ground, had made a nice squishy pillow for the other baby's descent to the floor.

"BABAY!" Christian squealed from the table.

"Yeah, babay!" Satine agreed.

"What? No! I mean, BABAY! Look, I found a job!" He whipped up the paper and then noticed the two tiny bodies lying on the floor; one writhing in… um, and the other one stiff. "Wow."

"I guess I stood up too quickly."

Extremely long pause.

"Whoopsiedoodle."

"Anyways, about my job, I can be a whiffleball maker at a factory in— "

Suddenly a large flock of flesh eating penguins attacked their next-door neighbor and his screams muffled whatever the name of the city where the whiffleball making factory was.

"Doesn't that sound neato burrito?"

"…Yah! Babies! Gotta get rid of the body."

"BODYYYYYYYY!!!" screamed a penguin from next door. Satine and Christian looked over to the scream which was followed by several screeching honks and battle cries.

"I have an idea," she mused.

As soon as she finished her statement, there was a knock at the door. Before any of them could answer it, the giant flock of penguins stormed into the house and immediately went to the dead baby, since they had innate nasal passage to detect corpses within the course of 2.4 seconds and up to 45 miles away. So they dog piled on the body and scuttled off out the door to take the feast to their secret underground lair in New Zealand which was actually a hobbit hole underneath Peter Jackson's hut.

"Well…" Satine said after the penguins had left. "I guess that works too."

For a moment she considered going on and making those raisin spearmint crepes but then realized that she was no longer pregnant and didn't have to want to eat weird foods. 


	2. Cheese is Yummy

I just want to say that I love my reviewers. Even those who flame. How else would I melt cheese for my fondue?

Chapter Doux

Cheese is Yummy

The.

After a couple hours, Satine remembered that there had been another baby. It probably helped that she was still standing in the same spot and the baby was screaming about 8 inches away from her. 

She looked down at the baby, all full of that motherly love crap that parents always talk about and thinking that she already loved her baby without even seeing it. She batted her eyes to coo at it and then suddenly stopped.

"AH GOD! FOOOONN BABY!!!!!" she screeched, jumping into Christian's arms like so much Scooby Dooby Dooooo!

"Whasit?" Christian asked, looking out the window for some random reason, mainly because the person writing at the moment wanted to say so. Upon looking, he spotted the penguins waddling down the street at a furious pace, still carrying their first baby.

"FON BABY! We have a FON baby!!" Satin wailed.

"What do you mean?" he said, coming back to earth and looking around for the baby.

When he saw it, he instantly dropped Satine and squealed like a little girl who had just had her leg chopped off. "WHAT IS WRONG WITH IT!?"

The baby looked up at them and blinked its big technicolored eyes a couple times, drooling in a cute little baby way. Only drooling is never really cute so whatever those people are thinking when they say drooling babies are cute have serious issues. 

This wasn't too bad though. Could be worse. It could have been vomiting out of its nose and had moths flying out of his ears and little garden gnomes climbing out of his mouth. Actually, on second thought… this was worse.

While the torso was fine… speaking of torsos, the penguins had found the one in their freezer and had carried that off too so that now they didn't have any frozen food in case of that war with the big things exploding that would make all the people die. Back to the baby though. His torso was fine and all was good. However his legs were those that a miniature adult woman who danced on a regular basis would have. Such as Satine's legs, only smaller. That was why they were miniature. Duh.

In fact, the legs were like twice as long as the body. He looked kinda like a freaky daddy longlegs spider, only six legs short. And he had a human body. Not a spider one. Actually, daddy longlegs aren't spiders. They are something else. But they look like spiders. You know what else looks like spiders? Craneflies. They are like flying spiders. I hate spiders. Yucky poo poo.

But the baby didn't look like craneflies either because he didn't have wings. But he did have abnormally long legs. Like nature had suddenly gotten drunk or something and forgot how long baby legs were supposed to be so stuck on adult women legs on it instead. Like he was a Freak of Nature. Thus FON baby. Cause he was a freak. Of nature. So he was a FON. 


	3. Heeeehhh

Yes, there is more. In fact the story is completely finished, I just feel like posting it one chapter at a time and seeing how many flames I can get. Heeheehee. Can I talk to reviews? Okay, I will.  
  
Cheese Head - I like cheese too. And penguins can't eat cheese. They eat babies. Duh.  
  
Gammut - Well in fact that is what I was trying to do. Although I hoped that there was some entertainment value.  
  
You suck - You know what? The long legged baby thing wasn't even my idea, so you might as well shut your mouth since you obviously didn't read the note I wrote at the beginning of the first chapter.  
  
S.M - Now really, is the stuff gay? I don't think so. Because they are words and words are not alive, therefore they are not capable of being gay. And I'm glad it's stupid. That was the point.  
  
It's me again - The writing style, ideas, actions, people, dialogue, and other things will not change. They are consistently bad, random, morbid, deranged, and perverted. And I'm not going to stop. You guys just need to realize that it isn't meant to be taken seriously.  
  
What are you high on? - I write for personal amusement. I'm not in misery at all. Apparently you guys are. That's great.  
  
GollumRox - Well you are just no fun at all. At least you think some is funny. That means that you have some sense of humor and can get past its retardness.  
  
Disclaimer: Still don't own. However I do own some very hot fondue now.  
  
Chapter Drei  
Heeeehhh  
  
He was a FON? ? Question marks are funny little doohickies. But the fact that he was a FON was not a question. Facts are not questions. Facts are facts. And the fact was that in this little house by the sea complete with a breakfast nook there was now a FON baby. The real question was what were they going to do with it?  
  
Satine would have picked it up off the ground, only she was too creeped out by it. Its freaky long legs kept spazzing out in all directions dragging the little body around in sporatic movements. They stared at it with a sort of interest and yet repulsion that people have of those messed up dudes at circuses. But those are just carnie freaks. This was a true blue freak. It didn't get any freakier than it.  
  
While they stared at the half-baby like thing, its twitching became so intense that it dragged itself right up Christian's back before he had time to notice. Just like freaky little spiders. Even though the baby wasn't a spider. I hate spiders.  
  
Christian wondered why he suddenly felt as though he had a ten pound baby with big legs wrapped around his neck clinging to his head. Then he realized that he had a ten pound baby with big legs wrapped around his neck (rock) clinging to his head. Once this message reached his brain, he did the only logical thing that one could do in such a situation.  
  
He began to scream and flail his arms around while running through the house.  
  
"GET IT OFF OF MEEEEEEE!!!" he said rather calmly in light of the situation. If it had just been a little beetle on his head then it might have been overreacting. Spiders however, then it would have been fine. And FON babies too.  
  
He smashed his way through the house in an attempt to dislodge the thing from his head, ramming into just about everything. There was the African bongo, the small statue of Buddha, a package of Twinkies attached to the wall in a frame of macaroni (which actually proved to make his blast into the wall a great deal less painful that it would have been without the Twinkies there).  
  
Satine watched 


	4. Butterfly Wings Make Neato Pictures

Yes, I'm back again after having a very nice long time eating my scorching hot fondue. It was delicious. Burning fondue is the best. But then I ran out of heat and so I couldn't make anymore scorching hot burning fondue and so I figured that it must be time again to post another chapter. And here it is. Now you know how the sentence ends. And if you don't care, that's nice.

Chapter Fire

Butterfly Wings Make Neato Pictures

the whole thing with mild interest. While she could have helped him and gotten the thing off of him, that would have required her to touch it. And she didn't really want to touch it. Yeah. Not really much at all. In fact, she didn't really want to look at it. It was a baby with like two-foot long legs. That just wasn't right.

She wondered if it was a genetic disorder.

Probably.

It was probably from Christian's genes too.

Darn Christian. Giving her babies messed up genes to make them have freak legs. They'd probably grow up to be carnies and do really degrading things in wacked out outfits and have to work for a person with weird facial hair in a slummy part of town.

Then she realized that that had pretty much been the story of her life. Minus the freak legs and carnie part.

Finally, she just randomly decided to help out her husband.

Yes, they were married, I forgot to mention that.

And they owned the little house by the sea complete with a breakfast nook together. Cause that is just what married people do. They own little houses by the sea complete with breakfast nooks.

So anyways, she took an abnormally large pair of tongs, which she had gotten in Togo while learning the art of voodoo, and reached over to pluck the little FON off Christian's head.

"IT'S SLIMYYYYYY!!!" Christian politely stated as the FON legs of the FON baby thrashed about him like a dying squid, occasionally thwacking him in the face.

The tongs got a good hold of the FON baby's tiny tuft of hair and she carefully and gracefully flung it over her shoulder and landed on the sofa with a "fff".

"I get 23 points!" Satine announced, throwing her arms up triumphantly.

"But it's not a Tuesday so you only get 12," Christian said.

"Sauerkraut!" she cursed and threw down her tongs in rage.

"Goo?" asked the FON baby and Satine and Christian turned to see it still alive and hanging out on the couch.

"Well, I guess we should name it…or something," Christian suggested.

"No, let's not."


	5. Whiskey for My Men, Beer for My Horses

I must say that I'm a bit surprised at the support. It's very nice. Would any of you kind people like some fondue? It's quite delish. Always glad to share. 

Chapter Vijf

Whiskey For My Men Beer For My Horses

"Well we can't just call it 'the thing' or 'the baby' or… 'the thing,'" Christian pointed out.

"Why not?"

"Because… actually I don't know. Never mind."

However the FON baby suddenly began to pout, and let out a scream so loud that it busted all the windows in the house and the penguins who were now about half way across the Atlantic ocean en route to South America to pick up a freighter to New Zealand paused and listened to the noise before continuing their journey in relative peace. Relative peace minus the big whale that came up and swallowed about half of them.

Christian and Satine stood stone still (alliteration) as though they were made of stone, their hair all pushed back and sticking back from their heads as though it was green grass. Only not green and not grass.

"That could be a prob—" Christian began to say when the baby wound up for another scream of epic proportions.

Satine, whose brain had been warming up the last few minutes like a really old car in the cold, hurried to the baby and shoved about half of her hand into his mouth.

Silence.

"I win, again! 50 points for me!"

"But…" Christian began, trying to think of an excuse so that she wouldn't get so many points for the highly rare, many point scoring, shove-your-fist-into-a-FON-baby's-mouth combo. However he couldn't think of anything so he stopped talking. Although he hadn't really started. He'd only said "but".

"This can't be a permanent solution however," she pointed out.

Christian considered this with a finger to his nose and one in his ear.

Two minutes and 13 seconds later, he had successfully lodged a mitten in the FON baby's mouth which produced the same affect as Satine's hand being stuffed in the gaping maw.

"Yah! I get 78 points!"

"No! You're not wearing lederhosen!" Satine retaliated.

"Yes I am," he stated, pulling up his yellow Abercrombie and Fitch sweatshirt to reveal the German suspenders and pants.

"Poop!" Satine snarled. He was currently winning by 26 points.


	6. Squirrel Tag

Chapter Sei

Squirrel Tag

With that figured out, they had a new bigger problem to worry about: Who would take out the garbage the next day? Oh, and what to do with the FON baby.

It was technically their baby, and so they were technically its parents, and so they technically should care for it, and so they technically had ought to start doing something better for its wellbeing than plunging mittens down its mouth.

"Okay," Christian said to nobody in particular.

"Huh?" Satine asked.

"Let's be good parents and raise our freak child and teach it that although it does have really messed up legs that it is special and that we love it."

"…But we don't love it."

"Oh yeah."

There was a short pause.

"Well," Christian began, plucking at the suspenders of his lederhosen in a manner similar to a hick, "we should learn to love it."

"I think that if you want to learn how to love it, you should stop calling it IT!" Satine said with exasperation.

"Good point. I guess that brings us back to the name thing."

"Yeah."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Wanna play squirrel tag?" Satine asked.

"Satine, FOCUS WOMAN!" Christian said shaking her shoulders. "We don't play squirrel tag on Wednesday! Have we ever played squirrel tag on Wednesday? No! Geesh, where is your brain today?"

"Um…" Satine began, pondering back to the penguins who had come in earlier. Maybe one of those had nabbed it.

"Okay, don't answer that."

Christian let go of his wifey, who then proceeded to fumble around the room from having her ability to balance correctly thrown off by Christian's shaking.

"Now then," he said as he turned to the baby, frowning at it from the seriousness of his pondering on how to love it. Er. The baby. Not it. Baby. FON baby.

The baby looked at him and cooed, something that would have been cute from any other baby but this one. Then he had it!

"I had it!" he said, ignoring his completely grammatically incorrect statement. "We'll stick its legs into the couch and then we won't have to see them and then we will forget that he has abnormally long legs and then we will love him!"

"Yessssssssss…" Satine agreed as she biffed into a very large potted plant that then attacked her.


	7. Johnny Hotdog

Chapter Septem

Johnny Hotdog

In the course of the next few days, Christian with his amazing carpentry abilities made something that vaguely resembled a hot tub. Sadly, though, it was supposed to be a couch.

"Eh… it'll work," he said while admiring his work.

Satine overheard him and crawled out of the plant where she had been half way digested over the past few days. "Oh you finally built that hot tub!" she purred, disregarding that her hair was completely soaked in plant saliva sap like stuff and that a couple of her toes had mysteriously gone missing.

"It's not a hot tub. It is a couch."

"Oh. Really?" She looked at the couch/hot tub and then burst out into hysterical laughter.

"What?" Christian growled, his pride deeply wounded.

Satine shut up instantly. "Nothing," she said in a monotone voice as she went back into the house and got the baby.

When Christian saw that she was holding the FON baby, he gasped. "Satine!" he exclaimed.

"What!" she answered.

"Baby!"

"Where?" she asked, looking around.

He blinked. "You're holding it."

Satine looked down. "Oh. So I am. Neato."

"You love the baby! You're taking care of it!" He had a semi-cardiac arrest from surprise and collapsed onto his creation, making about half of the boards pop off and causing it to cave in. For a moment he lay there twitching, and then hopped up as a colony of termites sprang out of the ground, did the cha-cha, and then ate all of the wood after which they returned to their holes in the ground singing the bunny hop song.

Christian, although impressed by this show of coordination in the termites, was still more impressed by his wife's sudden ability to touch the FON baby. "What did you do?" he asked her as he came back into the house. Yes, the hot tub/couch was outside.

Satine held up a bottle. It said something weird that he couldn't read, but had a sub-heading that said "Will help you love your freak of nature baby!"

Christian nodded pensively. "Ahhhh…" he said like an old Chinese sage. Not like the plant. Like a wise person. Plants don't talk. Except for the one in the Biffengorden's living room, which was now complaining of indigestion from having tried to eat Satine.


	8. Bison Burger

Chapter eight in German

Bison Burger

Three days later, Christian had yet another attempted couch built, only this time it looked more like a Trojan bunny.

"I've always wanted my own secret siege structure," Satine grinned. "Alliteration," she added, noting her last sentence. "I get 16 points."

"Fine," Christian grumbled. Now she was one point ahead of him.

"So about the wooden bunny in the backyard, is that an anniversary gift for me? Cause you know, if you were trying to hide it, I can see it very easily…"

"No, no, no no no no. It's for the baby."

"Snitzelfritz?"

"Bless you…?" Christian ventured.

"No, it's his _name_," Satine said, pouting. "Isn't it ikkle Snitzy poo?" she continued, tickling the baby who in a reflex kicked her where, if she had have been male, it would have hurt very very badly. Luckily she wasn't male though, but even so the force of the blow still made her let out a very strange noise and buckle her knees.

"You named our baby Snitzelfritz?" Christian asked in a tone that hardly made it seem a question.

"Yes!" Satine squealed, quickly overcoming her moment of pain.

"Satine, he's enough of a freak as it is without you cursing him with a name like Snitzelfritz!!"

"But honey bunny wunny," she whined, "I named him after you! You know, your middle name!"

"Oh. Yeah. I always try to get the fact that my parents cursed me with that name out of my head."

"Well you should be proud of it! It's a beautiful name for our beautiful babay."

Christian furrowed his brow at this, not really believing any of it. He walked over to the two and looked down at the baby who smiled at him. Unable to resist the kid's baby charm, he smiled too, only to have it returned by Snitzelfritz latching onto his nose.

"AHHHHHHH!!!!" Christian screamed as he ran around the room.

Satine sighed happily. "They're bonding. How sweet!" She then sighed once more for good measure and hopped off to the kitchen to get something to eat that was better than the rat poison she had found in the entryway and mistaken for tictacs earlier that day.


	9. When You're a Wildebeest

Alas, the last chapter. No more fondue.

Chapter Neter

When You're a Wildebeest

That evening after Snitzelfritz had passed out… I mean, fallen asleep. Yes, that is what I mean. After Snitzelfritz had fallen asleep and retracted his fang like teeth from Christian's nose, and yes the baby had teeth already even though he was only a week old or something, he was after all the FON baby, the severely deranged family sat in the breakfast nook of the little house by the sea complete with a breakfast nook. Christian was rocking the baby, its legs hanging over his arms and down to about where his knees were.

Now that the little dude was asleep, Christian found that he liked him much more. That and the fact that now it was too dark to see the freaky legs.

Satine looked at the two of them smiling. "It's just so wonderful!" she exclaimed.

This would have been a very deep family moment, that would also have been profound to use another word besides deep, if it hadn't been for the giant sandworm that jumped up from the beach outside their house and caught a baby seagull in its mouth just outside the window, the colors of the sunset pouring through its open mouth as it chomped on the seagull.

Christian and Satine sat in silent awe of this scene, while also being scarred for the rest of their lives.

"That was graphic," Christian commented.

"I didn't know there were sandworms here," Satine said frowning.

They shrugged. Not that sandworms or graphic..ness… was really important. They had each other and that was all that mattered.

Snitzelfritz woke up at this cheesy thought passing through both their minds that he was somehow able to read, since he was, after all, a FON baby, and rolled his eyes.

The End

El Fin

Finis


End file.
